On 1/31/13 the Bruins played Buffalo for the first time in this shortened season. Many of our rivals hired a bunch of plugs to fight our guys misunderstanding what the word strong really means. While the B’s are a physical team they are an emotional one. Toughness is a mental state. You want to be good at something? Mental, emotional, physical in that order. As someone who enjoys hockey fights I looked forward to this season. Not thrilled other teams legitimately “gooned up” but it was clear we wouldn’t be left wanting in those 48 games.

Thornton fought Scott, got a brain injury and now everyone is trying to make sense of their feelings about this and their expectations moving forward. I’ve seen varied responses, to each his own perspective. This is mine.

Before I talk about the current state of things, I’m going to quickly hop down the road that ushered in my point of view. I’ve already told some of these stories on tumblr, look back for more details if you’re interested.

A couple years ago I had magically met the guy who won the Bruins Foundation raffle to meet DKM and some Bruins at that sold out St Paradise show. He invited me along last minute, after many others said no, as if it was meant to be all along.

I finally got to talk to Al as I had wanted to for over a decade. We had a long and meaningful conversation about the past and what it meant to the present. I also got my picture with him, barely. We tried 15 years ago at the Bruisers last show but my camera failed. Trying again was sketchy, my cell battery was dying and barely held on long enough. Al gave me crap for it almost not happening again, making a point that we wouldn’t have a chance in another 15 years.

Then Shawn Thornton bullied me into talking to him cause he was jealous. I kid. Yet maybe it’s true that Leo’s are cranky when they are not the center of attention. How would you explain someone squaring up in front of you, blocking your path with their arms crossed tightly against their chest while staring you down? I had paid no mind to the rest of the small room which was full of Bruins while talking to Al. Any way you call it my indifferent “oh, hi shawn” response was brilliant. Yes, a very clear ‘whatever’ in the face of confrontation. I should bold that last sentence.

Slowly got a handshake out of him and introduced myself. I started a conversation about being mentally positive, added that fans need to stay positive just as much as the players do if the team is expected to do good and win. It was stated in general but winning the cup was implied. A point driven home when Kenny jumped in to talk about my old t-shirt and he tells Shawn “you should have seen the shirt she wore last night”…the 1970 SCC locker room shirt. Kenny also clarified this Bruins shirt was my mothers and I grumpily repeated him and then it was as if a bomb dropped, end of conversation, we each drifted off after that. I’m pretty sure Ken was not aware of the main topic of discussion before he joined in. Shawn and I had moved on to talking about the upcoming schedule and I noticed his green all stars.

A few days later I went to the Bruins/Habs game. The first meeting between the teams since the Chara/Pac incident. Absolutely loved that game. Bruins beat em on the scoreboard.

A few weeks after talking to Shawn the whole “believe” in the Bruins mentality sprung up and grew to be everywhere you looked.

A couple months after talking to Shawn and having that slightly awkward moment with Ken, we won the Cup.

Now, the day after that initial conversation I thought, WTF, Shawn’s the last guy ya gotta worry about in regard to mentality. Why was I compelled to have that conversation? After the cup win I thought, timely, odd but timely. I have a knack at being in the right place at the right time so not a total shock it happened.

This week? Whole. New. Meaning.

This week both Shawn and I have concussions but there’s still more to this story before I talk about that. I can’t not add up all the coincidences. Due to personal interests I’ve been able to cross several paths with Shawn fairly often without divine luck. Because coincidence has everything to do with choice.

Cup summer, the CF Rotten Tomato Karaoke, Ken and Shawn were billed, I bought a ticket and didn’t go last minute because of my dog Butchie, there was concern for his health. I was disappointed, it would have been fun to revisit the awkward moment from St Paradise -yay new shirts for everyone! Did Shawn even go? I don’t recall seeing him in any pictures. Did see the video of Ken getting beaned in the head (by a Red Sox pitcher?) and he went down. Thought it was funny.

Morning after Karaoke, I get a message from my mother, she thinks she just met Shawn in the waiting area of our vet’s office. She’ll watch some of the games but wouldn’t confidently recognize the boys on the street. Our vet confirmed it for her (Scott brought it up), Shawn had the appt right before hers. She says that Shawn liked B, called him a “good lookin dog”. I was supposed to be there but bitched and wanted to get dropped off at work before the vet’s instead of after. Grr. Kicked myself for missing him two days in a row during that summer when it would have been great to bask in the glory of the victory.

That Sept, the DKM Fenway shows. Shawn brought the cup on onstage one of the nights. The other highlight for me from these shows, was when the band played several songs acoustically. I’ve been waiting for live DKM acoustic since a failed attempt in 1999. Ahh, the things you wait a long time for.

Wouldn’t get Shawn’s attention again till mid Dec at his book signing which went quick. He cared about spelling my name correctly, that’s nice. Then I ran into Ken while having lunch at McGreevy’s afterwards. We talked about a Red Sox book, an all acoustic show, and naturally, the next St Pats.

Thought I wouldn’t see anyone till St Pats but I took dad to the Bruins Christmas game and ran into Ken. Y’know cause it’s easy to randomly find people who you aren’t looking for at the Garden. [this wouldn’t be the only time I would randomly bump into people at the Garden. Ole and I found each other there recently, after many years of silence. Ole’s been in contact with Ken, unsure how we didn’t trip over each other sooner, but it happened the way it happened. In the Garden, at a Bruins practice.]

St Pats, upon the urging of Ken/DKM I check out Danny O’Connor, hesitant because of my past experiences with boxing I become a fan of the kid because he’s awesome on twitter which totally won me over. Wound up being really glad to have something else to hold my attention after the Bruins got booted from the playoffs that season (kind of a relief).

Spring, Shawn walks Danny into the ring at the HOB fight. When I first got to the after party I ran into Shawn at the bar, I said ”hey shawn” and promptly ignored him. I would walk up to him a bit later and finally, properly, congratulate him on the Stanley Cup win. I never said cup and it was over a season ago but he knew what I meant. It was a particularly pleasant interaction, the moment was not lessened in any way. When I attempted to get my pic taken with Danny, Shawn was near us and jumped at the chance to be in the pic too, haha Leos. The battery was low, camera wouldn’t work. Danny was disappointed, Shawn told me my phone sucks. Somehow it seemed I was the least upset the phone didn’t work. Luckily some new found friends (Joe and John) would get a pic of Danny and me later on with their camera. I think Shawn had already left. I don’t remember, I got fun drunk.

Tried to have a big birthday party that summer, didn’t work out because people and their schedules suck. Spent the party money on a trip to Houston to visit my dad and Danny instead. Stretched the budget to buy a new phone, didn’t want to travel with the old one that died so easily. Second thing on my mind was not having a sucky phone next time I saw Shawn.

Fight at Gillette. Walked straight up to Shawn telling him my phone doesn’t suck anymore. He smirked and shook my hand. Had our pic taken by the J’s I met at the HOB fight. Right before Danny was to fight I had to go to the bathroom. Being absent from my seat meant I missed out on being very visible in the background of a pic on Boston.com of Shawn being interviewed near the ring. This theme of being there/not being there, pictures/no pictures easily entertains me. As I returned to my seat the boys that were going to walk Danny were exiting to meet up with him. Shawn led the pack and we had to pass each other in a narrow area between the ring and front row. Neither of us were about to yield. I’m just not intimidated when he squares up with intention in front of me.

NHL lockout left a big gap of time where it seemed nothing happened. Danny fought again, Foxwoods. DKM played acoustic at prefight party, none of Danny’s ring walk crew were available so me and other fans attending the prefight party stepped up instead and put on a show for the HBO people. It was awesome.

It was a happy new year as the stupid lockout finally ended and there was an acoustic DKM set at McGreevy’s for their album release the same week. Talked to Al, was the first time I’ve chatted with him since St Paradise, we talk about that and the future. While waiting for Ken to arrive I see a gif of Shawn on twitter, interview clip of not being punched in the face for 9 months…it’s funny, I show it to people, we all laugh. At the end of the show I’d get smacked in the face with Ken’s mic stand. Later that night, at home, on my twitter timeline someone tweets/RTs about Shawn’s scene in Ted (his cameo is of a guy at a concert who gets hit in the face with a mic stand). This mention was unrelated and not in response to what happened to me a few hours earlier.

Hockey Resurrection party at the Harp. Shawn wore the same sweater that he did to the book signing. I realize I’ve never seen him in a different casual sweater, not even in photos. It’s either team gear, dress shirts/suits, t-shirts, and let’s not ignore the smashing camel coat, cashmere I’ll presume. There was a large crowd of people desperately trying to get his pic and autograph. As I got closer to the edge of the stage, almost my turn, the girl next to me handed him her phone to sign. This is stupid but was interesting to me.

Time was short we only talked about Danny’s next fight the following week. Said he might be in the corner due to Ken’s absence but wasn’t sure he’d be able. He moved down the line to attend to someone else. I got his attention again by motioning him over, it was weird cause I didn’t say anything I was just pointing him around. The purpose was for another pic, why not, my friend brought a proper camera. It was not without complications, and the comedy of errors gets funnier every time. No yapping just some honest laughter after I saw his hand come at me thru the lens as he tried to get my attention when I wasn’t pressing the right button. Best camera to date, worst pics to date, superficially speaking. In the end I love the fact that in the picture I took of him and Jackie he’s flat out laughing at me while I’m laughing at how silly it has all become.

Couple days before Danny’s fight at the Garden my “good looking dog” Butchie accidentally gave me a concussion. He bolted up as I leaned down to pet him and our heads crashed together. Had minors before, the spacey feeling, the headaches (my migraines are worse) and the overt sleepiness, in other words manageable. Went to the fight, saw Shawn but didn’t get to talk to him, glad his schedule allowed him to be there tho. Seriously cause that schedule of his is more elusive than Al Barr after a DKM show.

Maintained my regular schedule of work, watching the games on tv and online contact. It was five days post concussion before I started having really bad symptoms. Headache got worse. In an instant felt like I hadn’t slept in two days, could have fallen asleep anywhere on anything. Some stuttering during the meeting with my boss - when I force myself to focus that’s when the lapses become apparent. Balance issues. Forgot which hall to go down to get to the bathroom in a building that I have worked in for 19 years. Clearly the mental process was not operating the body properly, switched tasks at work, did something less challenging.

Next day everything that was going wrong got worse. Called in a doctors appt. Tried to hold it together cause I had Bruins tickets for the game against Buffalo. I wouldn’t see the doc till the day after the game.

Game day, I tweeted Danny on the bus ride home from work, asked him how he was doing, hoped he was feeling ok given the fight went 10 rounds. He says “great” that’s good. I’m very proud of him but I do worry. I felt somewhat better by the time I got home from work. Large visualization effort that day. Focused energy exercise, the “feeling sick is in the past, in the present I feel healthy” mantra. This shit does work, good thing too, no time to rest. Changed, ate quickly and left for the Garden.

Seat was closer to the glass than I like, technically 4th row but is 2nd row behind the penalty box (opponent) side. We all expected Shawn to fight. Looked forward to seeing the box action that tv never shows extensively. Love those rare clips or the photos of penalty parties. I don’t mind this seat for this game. Several minutes into the game Shawn’s bout with Scott happened. Maybe I’m blocking it but I can’t say I actually saw the fight that happened several feet away from me. However I couldn’t have had a better in-person view of Shawn going to the box, very troublesome, but then he seemed fine sitting there. The boys talked back and forth, not worked up or angry, couldn’t hear it of course but it appeared very casual. I was not overly worried at the time, not until he went down the tunnel after the 5. He wasn’t bleeding, he didn’t re-dress. Something was up that was not obvious.

So he goes off and like everyone else I’m thought he’s tough, he’ll be back before the end of the game. He didn’t come back tho, I pulled out my phone to check for a twitter update, nothing. Saw my mom had left a message, said it was ugly, that he really got beat. Twitter remained quiet, didn’t like the lack of news. We finally hear he’s out of the game. Watched it on DVR as soon as I got home,. Gut-wrenching.

My dream that night, I was at a place where a bunch of people with concussions were meeting. Wasn’t a depressing support group but it was intentional gathering, very upbeat. As the dream continued it seemed like days had passed and pairs of people were hooking up to pay visits to people they met at the “party” and check in on them. Shawn was in the dream, I didn’t recognize anyone else. He and some guy came to see me. The guy left after giving us a schedule and a map. Shawn and I were on our way to our first stop of four when I woke up. Figured that since there were repetitive themes from actual things that have occurred I wanted to believe that I was in a construct dream and playing out a scenario. But I knew better. I can tell my dreams apart and tried to deny it was in any way precog. I was not looking forward to the news.

It took several hours, much later that morning, concussion out 7-10 days. Not surprised by the diagnosis, very surprised at the 7-10. On one hand that made me want to believe it’s relatively minor and only a precaution to avoid him getting hit so very soon after the beatdown. On the other hand it really fucking pissed me off. Having been to the doctor myself the same day the news broke, well, they give you paperwork on this shit and obviously I’ve been researching it on my own. If it was mild he does his 20min and is back in the game, at the very least sits out but is ready for the next game, which he wasn’t (TOR). This can only mean we’re talking something more serious. But no one has been talking. The quote from Julien about the players being “defensively braindead” in that game is something I can’t exactly shake.

I passed the neurological tests, don’t have fluid in my ears, pupils are fine, but I’ve got more than a mild concussion. I may seem fine on the surface but while on twitter I called a friend by their first name and it took me a moment to recall the name, then I second guessed it, after hitting send I freaked a little cause I still wasn’t sure I had it right. That’s a little scary. From my own perspective of how I could continue work, go to a fight, a hockey game and maintain an online presence I’m sure no one would suspect the level of difficulty I’ve been having unless I tell them. You can kind of hide it. I have no reason to hide it but someone who does, might and could. Athletes are notorious for downplaying injury to get back in the game. My ability to say, oh he’s tough, he’ll be fine, flew out the window and isn’t coming back.

If I was not co-currently concussed maybe I’m less serious about this situation but I don’t have that pleasure. I didn’t pick that game because it was Buffalo, it was a time and money thing. A simple choice, right? But was it? Because of how things line up in my life oh so coincidentally, I can’t pretend that this was freak accident.

I admit the fight in itself was, that was not a typical match-up even if Shawn is often at a size disadvantage. I agree he’s doing his job and that Z or Looch were not the answer and are not going into the next meeting either. But neither is Shawn. I wish that we get another sound game like the one I mentioned earlier -against Montreal after the Max Pac fallout. Play hockey, hurt em on the scoreboard.

The part about me being there, so close to him as it happened with my own concussion from a dog he randomly met while visiting our vet who is named Scott and he gets a concussion too. I always see how life rearranges itself and links up this way, it’s not unique but in this particular case the pattern is more elaborate than usual. The fact that I talked to Danny about how he was feeling a couple hours before Shawn was beaten plays into this.

I was huge into boxing, Gatti was my favorite, no one got more messed up or messed up others quite like he did in his time. Not even freak show Tyson. You like it or you don’t. I supported Arturo doing what he did while he did it. For the record I think his suicide is BS.

On one of Gatti’s under cards at Foxwoods was a local fighter who I crossed paths with while staying over night at the Inn. Turned out some of the fighters and trainers stayed there too rather than the main building. My dad and I had ridden on the shuttle with Gatti’s corner men. Gatti KO’d his opponent in the first, ended that guys career. I was impressed with what I saw from local guy Bobby Tomasello and began to follow him by going to his club fights in town. I didn’t have many opportunities, long story short he ends up dead. After winning a fight at the Roxy he went back to the dressing room, said he didn’t feel good and collapsed. Didn’t regain consciousness, family pulled the plug on him a few days after.

I stopped following boxing for a very long time. The corruption was enough, the death was too much. Didn’t return till last year because of Danny. I support him not because I care about boxing again. I support him because I care about him as a person. The unexplainable reason you like someone and befriend them as opposed to someone else. I’m not in any rush to go to anyone else’s matches.

I don’t hate fighting, to assume that would be wrong. While I was off boxing I got my fight fix from hockey. And I will continue to support fighting in hockey. However just like I can single out Danny from the industry he’s in, I can also single out Shawn. It never crossed my mind to worry about Shawn even tho he’s doubled up in the danger department.

I don’t care that Shawn lost a fight I have never viewed him as invincible. This is about injury. For comparison when he took a skate to the face was bleeding profusely and then argued with the bench…I wanted him to jump the wall and start swinging. I hoped his cut wasn’t bad, I thought it sucked he had to sit out, I couldn’t wait till he came back. I have not AT ALL felt this way in the aftermath of the Scott fight. I watched it on DVR a few times the night it happened, watched a video replay twice on the message boards I lurk, and I’ve seen very emotional photographs of him getting punched on the Bruins site. My only and instant reaction to each of these things is the thought of Bobby Tomasello. This is my absolute intuitive impression that cannot be persuaded. It’s very, very upsetting.

As other people wish Shawn well and bandy about the realities of his chosen profession, I sense the concern, I agree with alot of what is said, but we are definitely not on the same page. I don’t feel people are as upset about this as I am. I feel like alot of things are excuses and missing the point of the situation. I’m over it, I’m seriously fucking over it.

At this moment the only other piece of information I’ve seen about the fight comes from Haggs (don’t believe half of what he says). He claims that Shawn asked officials if he was just in a fight as he was being led to the box. If it’s true no one should want Shawn in a fight any time soon, potentially the rest of this season if we want to be really honest.

I have been struggling with the idea that I’m not being “mentally positive” and actualizing the notion we started this path upon. Worried I wasn’t throwing the right kind of energy out there that would help him recover. I seem to have an agreeable yet opposing attitude that everyone else is having (he’s tough, he’s fine, he’ll be back) because I have severely mixed emotions about those things.

I’m not afraid he’s going to die tomorrow or later on, I never got caught up in the enforcer death media drama. I don’t worry about that. Doesn’t change the fact that brain injuries from fighting can kill you. If/when he comes back he’s going to be in fights. I’m not ok with this, but my opinion hardly matters right?

The other day Justin from Days of Yorr mentioned that half of Shawn’s pictures on the web are of him fighting, the other half are of him doing charity “like a boss.” I responded by saying I didn’t know which side of him I liked more and that he looks likes he’s saving the world when he’s at the hospitals. And he is. I really believe that. The psychological benefit that’s provided (to both parties) can change lives. One of the P-Bruins just recently shared a fantastic story about his visit to a children’s hospital and the major revelation he had (Robins?). Good stuff.

I didn’t give Justin a decisive response. This was in the days before the Scott fight and selfishly I was leaning towards Shawn’s fighting side. Figuring this season is short, next is probably his last, and the fact that I only get to go to a couple games a year I was overly concerned with the very limited amount of times I’d get to watch him do what he’s so good at and what we love him for. What seems like moments later, in the DOY blog about Shawn’s concussion announcement my response was this:

“I’m totally having that movie girlfriend moment where I don’t want to support my fighter boyfriend going back at it after a bad loss but we all know I’ll still show up at the arena and cry and cheer. Get well soon Shawn.”

I want him to get back up on the horse and not go out on a freak fight. But most of all I want him to make a smart decision for himself based on what’s most important. We all want that. If nothing else the night of 1/31/13 magnified that sentiment. It was so emotionally overwhelming that it was hard to see the silver lining right away. It’s definitely one of those moments where something good can come out of something really bad. We’ve all be asked to readjust what we find awesome about him. What we find individually will depend on what you thought was cool to begin with. I don’t think certain things are as entertaining as before. I hope to find out that I was right when I said he’s the last guy whose mentality you have to worry about. It’s the players who aren’t able to tell their careers to fuck off that you have to worry about.

As I went to bed last night I was still wrestling with the idea that I wasn’t being positive about his recovery or future and I knew that wasn’t true. My slowed down hurt brain just could not find the angle and it was so frustrating it brought me to tears. I don’t recommend crying while having a concussion headache.

I managed to get a good nights rest. Dreamt I was drinking shots with Seguin while playing board games. ??? But I woke up damn certain that I am being entirely positive about Shawn.

I have a definitive answer now to that observational split, I prefer his socially active/charitable side. I really do no care about what he does for the Bruins anymore. The frustration I suffered was not being able to admit that. I’m glad this happened before his assumed scheduled departure in 2014. I will cherish whatever time is left with Merlot but I can’t fucking wait till it’s over. I’m not being negative, I’m excited for whatever is next. I care about his life. It’s a huge surprise and never thought I’d say this:

Hey Shawn, your role as an enforcer sucks.

I will gladly square up in front of him and say that to his face and tell him to get that foundation going or whatever it is he briefly mentioned at the resurrection party. Ahem.

He’ll be wearing the same sweater, I’ll have a cell phone with a low battery that may or may not take pictures and we’ll have a laugh. The only things in life that should be repetitive are things that are enjoyable.

Yeah, great job! Why don’t you have one of those? It makes no sense. You always look amazing in your charity pics with kids. And I don’t mean Seguin.

I just don’t think what you do for work is cool anymore. It has everything to do with losing and nothing to do with the fight.

That weekend in Oct ended up being bizarre yet totally amazing.

Major Lazer was worth the wait, got into the Diplo afterparty. Rushing thru town to get a good spot at the second club was nuts, wound up side of stage, great view. Barely slept, had to go out to Smashing Pumpkins early for the VIP thing which was pre-show. THe whole night was amazing even if Billy seems mad at me. ??? Very weird considering it’s fairly evident that the new album they were playing in full, Oceania, is well set in our shared past.

I’m not claiming songs are about me, there is ex-gf stuff, death of a friend stuff, however I could easily make arguments for a few of them, believing the themes or ideas are based on his feelings of a time I played a part in. Panopticon seems way too obvious, while the poetic lines in less direct songs are easily understandable. To me anyway but then I was a MOSer, meanings and symbols are my game.

On the other hand if Panopticon is about me, FUCK YOU BILLY. Where am I? You know why I’m not around like I used to be and you know how to reach me if you wanted to. Glad I got to contribute to your very successful album, you’re welcome.

Sandy hit that weekend. If I had gone to NYC I would have been stranded in the part of Manhattan that I intended to visit due to transportation being shut down. I had planned on seeing the bartender at the Flying Puck again, we had agreed to meet a year later, I wonder if he would have helped me. I couldn’t have afforded to pay for a hotel longer than expected. Don’t laugh, I’ve agreed to meet people after long stretches of time with no contact and it’s happened before. Totally possible.

The conference I had wanted to attend in NYC always repeats itself in LA a couple months later, in this case Jan 26 2013. I started to consider a trip out west then the date for Danny O’Connors post-poned Dec fight was rescheduled toooooo Jan 26!!! Haha. Wasn’t meant to go to the conf this year I guess. Find it fascinating how the pile up wasn’t a one time event.

Sometimes I think that this is the only good thing that happened.

oct 27 is still becoming. won’t honestly know what will happen till oct 28 haha. it’s been so wild i will definately want to look back on the events that led up to it, so a clear outline…

1. halloween party always last saturday of oct, been that way coming up on a decade now. core attendees look forward to it and plan their costumes well in advance. this year it falls on oct 27 2012

2. 4th annual seth conf bumped up to oct 27 instead of typical mid nov date. seeing the new york friends i’ve made is just as important as the presentation itself. haven’t missed one yet. decide i will go to this instead of throw my party. as usual i will go to nyc a day early to attend the dinner party, on the 26th.

3. offered dog/house sit job, could use the money, have not sat chloe in years and she’s now very old for a boxer, probably my last opportunity. say yes only to back out when I find out it’s that weekend.

4. diplo. major lazer. tour boston oct 26 and nyc oct 27…hahahaha…for a long time i think i have to travel if i ever want to see him, best bet would be a festival, but i hate fucking festivals. then a cool dream, me him and a third guy (unrecognized) talk about when i’d finally get to see wes, as a group we decided it will be a major lazer show, there were some details but i don’t recall a location being mentioned. months later these tour dates got announced. whoo, i get to see diplo in nyc after the conference. my nyc trip gets better every year!

equally amused and aggrivated everything i’m interested in is happening on the same weekend. want to do it all, wish it was all spaced out, but no matter if i stay home to party/sit or go to nyc to party/conference - i get to see wes. estatic that every probability is a winner in that regard.

5. billy. aaahhh billy, billy, billy. lost touch a bit but oceania really sparked me. similar to way machina had. call it instinct. this album will leave a long lasting impression on me beyond just loving a few songs, it’s a psychological thing. or just plain psycho perhaps, the tower on the cover and a song called panopticon pulled me before i even heard the music! several songs have an effect on me so it’s a hard album to listen to but my emotions aside it’s a really beautiful effort, happy for billy. excited for tour. motherfucker! agganis oct 27…really?

oh and a VIP ticket opportunity that gets me chance to see you/talk to you at the show? i want that cause i’m totally under the impression twitter is a bust when it comes to @billy which is really depressing compared to where we used to be (able to make contact) no matter how depressing the times were then.

6. total complete confusion. deciding what i want the most is easy, diplo. but i can’t ignore everything else going on and coming up with a plan has been stressful. prioritizing events had me assigning emotional value and billy goes further back than anything else on the list…to get some closure over the past or have a chance at a fresh start with billy, very very important to me. this starts taking precidence, assume i will stay in boston then, diplo on the 26th and billy on the 27th.

7. want to slap myself over the fact that some guys have distracted me from two awesome social things i love.

8. realize maybe i’m finally doing something right, seth concepts have taught me so much mainly this overload is ample opportunity to manifest things. for many years i did the dreamwork and it never materialized, apparently some of my beliefs were still not in check. i must’ve sorted it out cause i’ve got two people i want to see/meet coming to me (basically) which is amazing. high time to take advantage of situations instead of running off to nyc for more “training” because the idea of it being a weekend full of new beginnings sounds fantastic to me…now shooting for that.

9. more dreams about wes have me rethink the whole billy thing. figure i shouldn’t commit to a $400 SP ticket. currently the only thing i have financially committed to is a oct 26th major lazer ticket. think that i should keep my money available in case i decide to go to nyc last minute. love the idea of being spontaneous (seth would be proud of that) but have to admit wanting to give up on billy is due to a fear that the past only matters to me. that he wouldn’t care one way or another if he ever saw or heard from me again, especially since there’s nothing at stake (but was there then? and are we still playing?). once more torn over what to do about billy, it only makes sense to go to the source, again i test the waters by asking for a cat.

10. a day later no cat, i taunt, say the panopticon is broken, then i try to write it off, maybe twitter’s really unfair, too big a sea, i can barely keep up with the 80 odd people i follow. can’t imagine how many people tweet him and he’s busy and stuff. sad, with no confidence in the method i decide to leave it up to fate, believing if i run into billy around boston great, if not, we are done, and boom he posted a cat. and some more suggested reading? haha

11. plans to throw the halloween party on oct 20 emerge. currently plan is set to for diplo oct 26, billy oct 27. since i’m staying in boston and only going to concerts i could actually take the dog/house sitting gig. i can still get my seth fix, there are a couple chances apart from the nyc conference to connect with seth people i care about. feeling better about it all.

12. cloud atlas opens oct 26, of course it does, fukw484rurhjnaskif!! i’m taking friday oct 26 off, get a early start on a weekend that’s going to be fucking crazy. no way around it.

13. omg, larry, will be home on leave for his third child’s birth, he says he wants to take me to SP show for my xmas present since he will be in afghanistan in dec. i would really like that, as my oldest friend and long time SP buddy these are great nights out for us. he’s not sure which show is better for him, oct 27th or nov 4 at mohegan sun, depends on the due date. please please please make this easy cuz and say nov 4!

this is my place to “tweet longer” and i’ve been overwhelmed by the ridiculous amounts of possibility on oct 27th 2012…sometimes ya need to let the mind type out loud…

i used to do this exercise quite a bit as part of an online community, the MOS, for what would become a creative project, GATMOG, all of this in response to billy corgan and his magical unicorn hands (don’t ask)…esoteric interests that ignited at 13 around an age where i shunned tremendous physical ability for more “spiritual” desires, were then furthered on-line in my 30’s thanks to billy carving out that space for the like minded…personal study only gets you so far, you need to interact and have experiences and i got that in spades…and in cats…

i helped create a community, i helped destroy it…while it lasted that haven allowed me to write creatively, and more importantly write spontaneously…i don’t mean the ghostchild assignments or the seasonal rant, i do mean the takeover, the blue blog thread and the effortless derailment of billy’s early SP storytime platform for our shared tales of damaged skulls, speeding yellow cars and the glorious experience of throwing up…

we had some times billy and me…

i miss maddy and evol-i, i wonder who they were and what they became…

sometime during the echos of GATMOG I found what i was really searching for, it came in the form of a dream, too powerful to ever forget…i have those on occassion but this one made me want to get to the bottom of the dreaming self…who am i, why am i here, the typical drive to search for meaning took a back seat to what happens when my head hits the pillow every night...it’s then that the seth/jane roberts material became apparent to me….

this returned me to solitary study, seasons and tides perhaps…i found a new conspirator but in the end i wound up being attacked again (in relation to billy again)…see, i keep attempting to co-create something, i want a “way,” some kind of relationship with some one, or a group, to manifest something greater than oneself…it’s hard to find co-creators that are truely aware of what they do…

GATMOG was a great opportunity and a great failure in that regard…pushing hard for something you believe is one thing, the intention that gives you strength to hold a torch is something else entirely…i wanted an inspiration to become a reality…others wanted their piece and were not willing to give much outside of an opinion, it was never about right or wrong, only desire…being distracted wasn’t going to get us anywhere i stand by that belief still…

what they didn’t understand is that wanting to be a part of something larger is what paves the way for acknowledgement, it never had to do with control which i’ve been accused of and attacked for repeatedly…as seth would put it, you must be reckless…i was bold, i asked for things, i offered things…i demanded attention and i got it…i wished that those who devalued themselves understood that i was acting on their behalf as well…but they were too busy being timid or overly agressive to notice…

MOS/GATMOG time taught me alot, but in the end was frustrating, not just because of the seeming failure to connect the dots to an acceptable outcome, but in an overall comprehension of the experience… when hoping for a certain outcome you push or run towards that end, it seems natural at the time, but it’s an outward expression of energy…there’s a totally better way to deal, a version of ”build it and they will come” but i’ve noticed creative people who are successful (the ones i pay attention to anyway), there’s a theme -do what you do, the people will find you…as if to say, if youre out running down people, leads or outcomes, then you aren’t putting the time and effort into your creation…what you create, that thing that’s “bigger than you” that will bring the outcome you hope for…i.e. dont get distracted…

i can’t quite write off the late addition of billy to my oct 27th dilemma…

i expected to throw my awesome halloween party end of oct then two weeks later attend the annual seth conference, both things having been on my calendar for years…routines…i love these events, the seth conference in NYC being the hilight of my year actually…if i had to be directed away from either thing it would take a grand force of spades and cats!!…

first the seth conference was unceremoniously scheduled in oct instead of nov this year…i automatically decide to cancel my party and go to new york for seth…oh, how simple a decision…

enter wesley, hmm, found him musically irritating, avoided his popularity at all costs, next thing i know i can’t deny him…it’s a weird moment to be sparked by someone instantaneously…the type of weird moment that turns into a weird decade, i know how this goes (gee thanks billy)…sometime last year i just tuned into diplo and the dreams started…the scheduled oct 26/27 major lazer shows being the manifestation of some agreements he and i made in the ether (and everyone else that will attend too, but they weren’t in the dream, it was me him and one other guy, someone on his tour)…what happens, who knows, there is always free will even to the last second, but damn this is an exciting development to have our physical meeting be a realistic possibility…huge achievement (in comparison of past failures similar in nature)…not only one chance but two happening in seperate cities i debated for other reasons having nothing to do with wes…it’s not shocking, but i shake my head over the complexity of what’s been laid out…so many paths i can take…

so i decide on seeing wes in boston, crack of dawn train to nyc, arrive just in time for seth conf (9a-9p across street from Penn Sta), afterwards go direct to wes’ show in nyc, after which i hop the 3:25am train home (if still running)….i absolutly LOVE the this idea, i’m thrilled at the prospect of meeting wes, seeing major lazer two nights in a row and still making the seth conf, and it’s all somewhat inexpensive since i’d be getting my sleep on the train instead of an overpriced hotel…

enter billy, oceania tour news, boston and mohegan sun…can’t get to casino, fate took larry out of town, my SP concert buddy and ride aren’t game…figure boston show is really one of the arenas outside the city that i can’t get to…assume my spontaneous diplo weekend is still intact and that’s that…noooooo….SP playing agganis arena, not only in town, on the freakin green line (easy peasy)…fuck my dilemma…

with billy there is still something that needs to be said, or felt rather…now seems a likely phase, mood-wise oceania is covering the bases which could easily start a dialogue…i’ve very torn over a reconciliation…we did our best, had a bit of shared excitement but it all remains complicated…i recognize a part of me needs our shared time to be heart breaking as motivation to try again (elsewhere)…i know if i put as much energy into someone/something that responds in kind the result would be otherworldy…

i am certainly not mad at rick for changing the seth conference to oct, we will no doubt have a wonderful email exchange over this…i see it as a put up or shut up event in my timeline..i understand the seth material, i’ve applied it  -otherwise the multitude of options don’t appear and the best i hope for is a good movie on cable as i snuggled up on my couch with a ton of halloween candy…i really challenged myself calling forth wes and billy in the same weekend altho i can gain fullfillment regarless of which show i attend on Oct 27…

it’s very curious they are showing up at the same time tho…under the impression what i could offer each of them is very different, so i’m not quite sure what message i’m sending out into the universe (other than love)…assuming the last weekend in oct will be one of those things that will feel out of one’s control even tho we designed the whole scenario…

i cannot get this one fact out of my head however…the events surrounding billy’s poetry book signing…amazing chance for us to have a moment point, he had a free evening, promising opportuniy to talk and we can both move on from our pasts…but he was too caught up with his ex who he saw in nyc right before the cambridge stop, he lied to me, ruining a huge chance to get something he said he wanted that i would have supplied…i left pissed and he rushed back to nyc only to futher have a lousy time and admitted as much in the blue blog by saying he should have stayed in boston….uh, yeah….

i too am getting pulled to decide between old and new, boston and new york, pisses me off when my mind sees all of the repeating patterns, to sum it up, it feels as if i can’t take my own damn advice…

know i can’t go wrong, but i’m not sure what’s right….

post cats billy…

I mentioned it before, Shawn Thornton, Ken Casey and me wind up crossing paths with each other via powers beyond ourselves it seems. It’s a real phenomena, and I believe I may have just uncovered the mystery. I present to you Danny O’Connor, The Mastermind.

Danny had a fight at the HOB Boston on May 24th. As of this moment, the day after the fight, in the “recent” pics he’s posted on Twitter the current 20 that pop up are all related to the fight. Pre events, such as promotion, the weigh in and then things that happened night of. He’s given mad props to everyone that’s tweeted him, as he typically does cause he’s amazing that way. There are a bunch of you&me pics that people took at the fight and sent to him, and he bumped. Yet only three recent you&me pics come up in his photo section (observe below).

I suppose this is what happens when you adopt a sibling over Twitter. They act as a magnet for random awesome coolness. Haha.

No he wasn’t around for all the path crossings up until May 24th. Well, I should clarify, he wasn’t visible. Obviously he was hiding behind a door, or a shrubbery and has just outted himself online.

Yup, I’m not special, it’s all about Danny. Uh-huh. Um, this sibling thing is gonna take some getting used to.

Exhibit A. My bro and Ken, aka the guy in the middle of everything, aka the coolest motherfucker in Boston, doing promotion for the fight.

Exhibit B. It’s true, I eat super delicious yummy junk food for him. It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make so he can dominate the world. #fanfamily